Couples Therapy Cologne & Marriage Counselling | Paartherapie in Köln auf Englisch

The foundations of my work with couples

Changing Perspectives

When two people come together, they always bring different backgrounds with them – different families of origin, experiences and inner ‘cultures’, even if both come from similar backgrounds.

An important part of my work involves helping you learn to understand one another from the perspective of their unique background – rather than projecting your own unfiltered viewpoint onto your partner.

Turning conflicts into opportunities

For me, conflicts are not necessarily a sign that something is going wrong in a relationship – they arise quite naturally when two different people come together. It only becomes dangerous when conflicts are constantly bottled up rather than discussed – this leads to alienation rather than closeness. It is equally damaging to a relationship when conflicts always escalate and are never addressed at their core.

Together, we’ll work out how you can navigate differences and conflicts in a way that enriches your relationship, rather than driving a wedge between you.

Learning new relationship skills

For me, maintaining a healthy relationship is not just a question of personality or compatibility, but also of skills that can be learnt:

• Introspection: Knowing what I want, who I am, and what I need

• Self-expression: Being able to communicate my perspective clearly and vulnerably

• Self-regulation: Being able to recognise and calm my own emotional reactions, rather than being at their mercy during an argument

• Validation: First accepting my partner’s feelings as they are, rather than immediately going into defence or counter-attack mode

• Repair: Being able to reach out to one another again after a conflict, rather than remaining at a distance

Shaping responsibility consciously

Central themes of my work are responsibility and accountability:

Each of you is, first and foremost, responsible for yourselves – for your own feelings, needs and reactions. Nobody is responsible for making others happy.

At the same time, you can make a conscious decision to meet your partner’s needs, even if they occasionally conflict with your own – this is then a conscious choice, not an automatically expected reflex.

Actively nurturing your relationship

A relationship is like a garden: it needs tending so that what you wish for can grow there. Alongside working through conflicts, I therefore also focus on consciously redirecting your attention to the beautiful aspects of your relationship – how can you make your time together enjoyable, and in what ways would you like to show each other appreciation and love?

Relationship researchers Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman place importance on the ratio of positive to negative interactions – and it is precisely this ratio that shifts over time for many couples. Positive interactions are often just little things: a brief touch, a sincere compliment, a moment of undivided attention.